NARUTO: THE MUSICAL
by TearShield Alchemist
Summary: The Naruto cast are doing random acts of violence... I mean, singing and dancing and Gaara is scared. Implied yaoi, het and stupidity. Lee isn't wearing his underwear today
1. ACT I

A/n: This is a joint authored fic! By me and my friend Chaos Raider Tenshi.

Insanity shall ensue…

* * *

**NARUTO: THE MUSICAL**

"This is so bothersome…" Shikamaru stated as he sat quietly near a bush watching the clouds float by…

All was relatively _normal_, until…

Lee burst out of nowhere and began singing!

-

"I'm not wearing underwear today!"

He sang out loudly as he proceeded to dance out to a non-existent audience.

-

"No, I'm not wearing underwear today!"

-

Shikamaru stared. Then he began to twitch involuntarily.

-

"Not that you probably care much about my underwear, still nonetheless I gotta say…"

-

Shikamaru's mind was telling him to get up and run, but he couldn't because he was frozen to the spot with fear (for his life...)

-

"That I'm not wearing underwear today!"

-

Sakura walked into the clearing and yelled: "Get a job!"

Lee went blue and ran to the corner of the clearing and began to draw circles in the grass.

Looking over his should, Shikamaru called, "Thank you Sakura!"

And then he began to sulk, because he had to witness that horrid act…

* * *

Sasuke sat down in his favourite place that was brimming to overflowing with shadows. He pulled out his book (or rather, Kakashi's book) and began to read. 

"Hi ya Sasuke! Believe it!" the overly annoying blonde ninja/hokage wannabe yelled as he appeared over Sasuke's shoulder.

"What do you want now, dobe?" Sasuke replied, icily.

"Well, you'll never guess what happened to me at the Ramen shop," Naruto began. Sasuke "ahem"ed, but Naruto didn't seem to hear as he was too busy rambling.

"This guy was smiling at me and talking to me-"

"That's great, you've made a new friend," Sasuke said, awkwardly, through gritted teeth.

"He was being really friendly, and I think he was coming onto me. I think he thought I was gay! Believe it!"

Sasuke nearly choked on his saliva. _That, or he was a child molester,_ inner Sasuke pondered.

"Well, isn't that disturbing and insulting?" Naruto asked with his childlike innocence.

"Why are you telling me this, dobe?"

"Geez, you don't have to get all defensive on me!"

"I am not being defensive! I am just trying to read!"

"Sorry… Hey, is that Icha Icha Paradise?"

"No…"

"Okay"

"This conversation is over, now leave me alone, Naruto!"

"I didn't mean anything by it, but I think someone calling me gay is something we should be able to discuss!"

"Then go and discuss it with Kakashi-sensei!"

-

"Okay, well just so you know… If you were gay that'd be okay! I mean, coz hey, I'd like you anyway! Because you see if it were me I would feel free to say that I was gay (but I'm not gay)."

-

"Dobe, shut up! I'm trying to read! WHHHHAAAAAA?"O.O

-

"If you were queer I'd still be here, year after year, because you're dear to me" (Sasuke tried to kill Naruto with kunai but misses as Naruto jumps to another tree)

"And I know that you, ("Argh, my head") would accept me too ("I would? Since when?") "If I told you today, _"Hey guess what, I'm gay!"_ (But I'm not gay!)"

"I'm happy just being with you ("What are you smoking?") So what should it matter to me what you do in bed with guys?

-

"Naruto, that's sick!" Sasuke pretended to puke.

"No it's not!" Naruto defended his gay pride.

-

"If you were gay, I'd shout hooray! ("I'm not listening anymore!") And here I'd stay! ("La la la la la" shoves his fingers in his ears) But I wouldn't get in your way! ("Aaaaaahhhhh" another futile attempt at killing Naruto) You can count on me to always be beside you every day to tell you it's okay you were just born that way and as they say it's in your DNA! You're gay!" ("But I'm not gay, you dobe!") If you were gay!" ("Argh, just forget it!")

-

Sasuke ran away, gave Kakashi his book back, forgave his brother, started going to church and repenting, and he became gay. That is how much that song screwed him up.

* * *

A/n: TSA: Well, this is the beginning of the end… Oh crap… 

CRT: Well anyway, please tell us what you think, we really wanna know.

TSA: Thanks for reading… Lord help us all…


	2. ACT II

A/n: This is chapter two. The songs used in the last chapter were "I'm not wearing underwear today" and "If you were gay" by Avenue Q.

Disclaimer: We no ownies the Naruto, nor the songs… If we did own Naruto, CRT would make sure Naruto was gay and I would make it so Haku didn't die…

CRT: What about Zabuza?

TSA: Fine, Zabuza too… I guess...

* * *

_**NARUTO: THE MUSICAL (ACT II)**_

Jiraiya sat at his usual spot for gathering "information". Naruto was sitting next to his "ero-sensei" and wondering what the elder male was thinking.

Then Jiraiya began to conduct a song to the females he was "studying".

-

"You say that there isn't a chance that we two will have a romance. You just need a little more time, but in the meantime..."

-

Naruto stared at his sensei incredulously. 'Has he lost the plot?' Naruto thought. You would too if your sensei began talking to himself pretending to be talking to a girl…

-

"Is it okay if I stalk you? I just want to make sure you're okay, and behaving while I am away, is it okay if I stalk you? Don't mind me, I won't get in the way, and although I'll see you every day. You won't see me!"

-

Naruto proceeded to inch ever so slowly away from his sensei.

-

You've stated in words very clear, that you don't require me here. So to your conditions I bow, but for now... Is it okay if I stalk you? I just want to make sure you're okay, and behaving while I am away, is it okay if I stalk you? Don't mind me, I won't get in the way, and although I'll see you every day, you won't see me! I will be in the vicinity, no matter where you go. It's a good thing, what with all of the nutcases out there, so... Is it okay if I? Is it okay if I… Is it okay if I? Is it okay if I… Is it okay if I... Is it okay if I...

-

By this time Naruto was mentally scarred and he had inched so far away from the ero-sannin that he was almost able to say "I'm a whole world away from you!"

-

"Don't mind me, I won't get in the way and although I'll see you everyday… You won't see me! 'Cause I'll be concealed in my car/At the back of the bar/ In the restaurant/behind the piano/The man over there, with the hair/And the moustache and wearing the glasses that, no offence, I wouldn't normally wear, 'cause my eyesight is fine/And with night-vision goggles, I see even better. They flatter you more than the closed-circuit video. Is it okay if I stalk you? I just want to make sure you're okay, and behaving while I am away. Is it okay if I stalk you, stalk you, stalk you, stalk you? Stalk. Stalk. Stalk. Stalk. Stalk. Stalk. Stalk. Stalk. Stalk you? Stalk you, stalk you?

-

Naruto decided that is wasn't worth committing "seppuku" so he decided to make nice with Sasuke, kiss Sakura and steal Kakashi's book. He knew that would kill him faster then the seppuku would…

* * *

Itachi was sitting in the Akatsuki HQ lounge room with his "fishy" friend. He'd never known how fishy his friend was… Until… Suddenly, Kisame (who had gotten into the sake… and the rum… and the whiskey… and the vodka) suddenly started to break out into song (not pimples). Itachi would've dismissed this as drunken insanity, had it not been that Kisame was signing the last song that he would've picked his "fishy" friend singing (if he was sober, or even if he was drunk… which he was… at the moment). 

-

"Fish heads, fish heads, rolly poley fish heads. Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up. Yum! Fish heads, fish heads, rolly poley fish heads, eat them up. Yum! In the morning, laughing happy fish heads. In the evening, floating in the soup"

-

Itachi was about to ask what soup he was referring to and how he found out about it, when he suddenly realized that Kisame must've been smoking his joints (again…) too.

-

"Fish heads, fish heads, rolly poley fish heads. Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up. Yum! Ask a fish heads anything you want to. They won't answer, they can't talk. Fish heads, fish heads, rolly poley, fish heads. Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up. Yum! I took a fish head out to see a movie. Didn't have to pay to get it in!"

-

As Deidara wondered what movie it was, Itachi had a bemused look on his face. Why, oh why, did Itachi have to stop popping that stuff? "What a bad day to stop popping pills!" Itachi exclaimed as he pushed a couple of blue pills down his throat. "Ahhh, that's better…" Deidara sighed as he saw Itachi popping those pills again.

-

"Fish heads, fish heads, rolly poley fish heads. Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up. Yum! They can't play baseball, they don't wear sweaters. They aren't good dancers, they don't play drums. Fish heads, fish heads, rolly poley fish heads. Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up. Yum! Rolly poley fish heads are never seen drinking cappuccinos at Italian restaurants with oriental women. Yeah…

-

Deidara was wishing the song would end there, as Kisame and Itachi were bouncing off the walls.

-

"Fish heads, fish heads, rolly poley fish heads. Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up. Yum!

* * *

Kakashi walked slowly into the book shop. He wondered if the new book in the Icha Icha Series (cleverly titled: "Icha Icha Erotica") had come in. There he saw Kankuro and some guy in a wheelchair looking at comics and porn (Kankuro looking at the porn). And then Kakashi saw it, the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. And so he had to break out in song and dance… in the middle of the book store. 

-

"There was a hot girl in the book shop, and I didn't know what to do. There was a hot girl in the book shop; she was looking at "Ninja Tacticsbook 2". There was an actual girl in the book shop, what a momentous day! I had to check to make sure she wasn't just a human-sized cardboard display. My competition was a kid with pimples and a guy in a wheelchair. So I knew I had to act fast.

-

"I don't have pimples!" Kankuro argued.

"Yeah, well then what are those?" Kakashi pointed to the red dots on Kankuro's face.

"It is Kabuki style face paint, you jack$$!"

"Yeah, yeah, that's what they all say!"

-

"So many questions in my mind. What would be a good pick-up line? Why had a hot girl just come in? If the Kyuubi fought Shukaku, who would win?

-

Kankuro pondered for a while and the guy in the wheelchair left before Kakashi tried to kill him with song and smother him with dance.

-

"Good question…" (Kankuro joined in the song) I guess that Shukaku's advantage would be his sand and his evil container. But then again, Kyuubi's endurance is limitless and he's stronger than Shukaku would be..."

-

All of a sudden the "hot girl" who was none other than Shizune walked out of the book shop, disgusted at Kakashi's very public show of "affection". Kankuro and Kakashi looked at each other and wondered why they both had names starting with the letter "K" (which is the letter of the day on Sesamea Street (1))

-

"There was a hot girl in the book shop just a minute ago. There was a hot girl in the book shop, did anyone see her go? Had she come to the book shop looking for love? Guess I'll never know..."

-

Kakashi looked sadly at the book stand, where "Icha Icha Erotica" were absent from.

"It's been sold out," said the store owner.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Kakashi yelled. Kankuro came over to pat him on the back and comfort him (in a non-perverted way, you perverts). Kakashi didn't know how his day could get much worse.

Then, Konoha imploded…

* * *

A/n: I love the word "imploded" and no, we did NOT mean Sesame Street… Please review and leave constructive criticism. The songs are "Stalker Song" by Tripod, "Fish Heads" by Dr. Demento and "Hot Girl in the Comic Shop" (the lyrics were demented by us to suit the anime) by Tripod… 


	3. ACT III

A/n: Chapter three of what should be… a few million chaptered story…

* * *

Iruka was wondering what he had done. He'd asked team seven, eight, nine, the sand sibs and Team Gai to come and explain human reproduction to his class. Sadly, he doubted their ability to get it through to them. And he had no clue as to how they would present it… 

-

Some odd music began playing and the students sat in their seats, waiting. Then Asuma assumed a position in the middle of the front of the class. Iruka was scared about what he was going to do.

Then Asuma began singing…

"The parts of a flower are so constructive that very, very often, the wind will cause pollination. If not then a bee or any other nectar gathering creature can create the same situation! Yes, anything that gets the pollen to the pistils, write on the list. I'll try to make it crystal clear. A flowers insatiable passion turns its life into a circus of debauchery."

-

The children were scared, and Iruka was horrified. How could you not be when a usually serious guy starts singing in the middle of your classroom?

-

"Now you see just how the stamen gets its lusty dust onto the stigma. And why this frenzied chlorophyllous orgy starts in spring is no enigma! We call this quest for satisfaction a what, class?"

Sakura, Temari, Ino and Hinata entered from stage right. And then they began singing.

"A photo-periodic reaction!"

(Asuma regained control of his song… again…)

"Oh that's good, that's very good" (Kiba moved in from the side and began acting)

"Hey, I'm lost! Where are we?" 

"Chapter two!"

"Page five…

-

The students paid attention as everyone walked onto the "set". The boys stayed on the right side and the girls left for the left. Hinata was blushing and Shino was looking more freaky than usual…

-

"Reproduction!" the boys sang loudly. Then it was the girls turn.

"Reproduction!"

"Put your pollen tube to work!" TenTen sang out.

"Reproduction!" (boys)

"Reproduction!" (girls)

"Make my stamen go berserk!" Temari sang out giving the boys on the other side of the "stage" a saucy look and thrusting out her chest slightly.

"Reproduction!"

"I don't think they even know what a pistil is!" Ino bellowed.

"I got your pistil right here…" Neji made a tunnel out of his hand a put it in front of his crotch. Then he began jerking his hand backwards and forwards.

"Where does the pollen go?" Chouji used his alto voice.

"Next chapter, in an abstract way, the same thing applies to the reproductive organs of the more complex life forms. But now we are dealing with sexual response. Are there any questions before we begin reading?" (Sasuke blinked).

"Is it possible the female member of some sex on a couch could like get this guy all hot and she never even knew it?" Shikamaru asked in song. Hinata blushed brightly.

"When a warm-blooded mammal in a tight little sweater starts pullin' that stuff, is she sayin' that she wants to do it?" Kankuro quizzed. Many of the girls glared at the two apparently stupid boys.

"Can't prove it by me, 'cause they change their tune when you got 'em in the back seat." Kiba sighed dejectedly in exasperation.

"With his heart beatin' fast!" Shino added.

"They make it sound like a track meet, gross!" the girls, and Kurenai, cut it.

"Yeah, then all they can do is say "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!"" the boys mimicked a girls high-pitched voice… wrongly.

"Reproduction!" (boys)

"Reproduction!" (girls)

"Baby, give it to me now." The boys bent their knees and opened their arms whilst saying the line and few even did a pelvic thrust.

"Reproduction!" (boys)

"Reproduction!" (girls)

"Is that all you think about?" The girls leaned forward and sang through gritted teeth.

"Reproduction!"

"Come on baby show me that you really love me so!" The girls were having fun looking crudely at the boys (now blushing) faces.

"Ohhh, I think I'm gonna throw up!" Lee pretended to vomit and Chouji joined in with his line:

"Where does the pollen go?"

-

Iruka was trying to shield his precious students' eyes. Sadly, that didn't work very well.

-

"The human is the only being capable of consciously controlling its number of offspring. Any comments on this?" Asuma was back in control… once more. Kurenai left her position and walked over to stand behind Asuma.

"Asuma-san, is it true that guys like you, you know, mature and all, carry some protection with them for sexual occasions?" Kurenai began drawing circles on Asuma's shoulder. It almost appalled everyone how "natural" that looked. Asuma blushed redder than Gaara's hair. Kakashi wondered if he needed to get the fire extinguisher from the closet.

"What's the big deal? Can't a girl just do that thing in a book  
Where she adds up the days of her, uh, what do you call it, mentalstration?" Naruto paused, and looked to the males around him for help. Some guys nodded in agreement.

"Oh, that's really neat!" Ino sang sarcastically.

"Yeah, and what will the guy say when the numbers don't add up right, huh?" Temari asked the idiots… I mean boys…

"Yeah, yeah, yeah!" All the girls pumped their fists forward in enthusiasm as they sung each word.

"Reproduction!" (boys)

"Reproduction!" (girls)

"Hope he's proud of what he's done!" Sakura piped up. Hinata, it seemed, had gotten knocked up by one of the guys… If the pillow under her shirt was something to go by… And the way the girls all crowded around her…

"Reproduction!" (boys)

"Reproduction!" (girls)

"He was only pokin' fun!" Kakashi defended (A/n: Why he was defending the boys, we have no idea…). At this time, Shino was shoved into the middle of a semi-circle of guys. Some were cheering him on, while others looked at him like he was an idiot. Sasuke went up to Shino and whacked him on the back of the head.

"Reproduction!"

"See what happens when a boy and girl don't know how to play it safe?" Asuma walked into the middle of the two groups, making a hand gesture towards Shino and Hinata.

-

Iruka was mortified. 'I'm never going to ask them to do something like this again!' Iruka's mind decided. And then he glanced at his students, who were watching avidly (and seeming to take it all in).

-

"Reproduction!" The boys yelled looking like they were getting ready to fight.

"Reproduction!" The girls all moved into a fighting stance in front of Hinata, blocking the said girl from view.

"Reproduction!"(boys)

"Reproduction!"(girls)

"Reproduction!" They all sang together.

Chouji stepped forward into the middle, in front of Asuma.

"Where does the pollen go?" He cocked his head to the side like a confused puppy. Many of the "cast" slapped their foreheads.

And the song ended…

-

When the class left, Iruka chased them out with a broom. "How dare you corrupt my class like that?" he hollered at their retreating backs. Iruka would never see any of them in the same light again.

And the only thing to come of it was Asuma and Kurenai having a good laugh about it… in bed…

* * *

A/n: We should've warned you about the implied AsumaxKurenai, shouldn't we have? Well, we have now! Anyway, review and tell us what you think. The song is "Reproduction" from Grease 2, by the by. 


	4. ACT IV

A/n: This was written via MSN correspondence, so you'd better appreciate it damn you!

* * *

Shikaku Nara (Shikamaru's father) was wandering down a back alley when he heard these words:

"SHIKA! GET YO CANDY ASS BACK HERE!"

It was his wife (and Shikamaru's mother), Yoshino Nara.

Shikaku sighed and then ran back to his wife. He knew what she wanted.

He arrived in his micro-fibre shirt and began to belt out a short song. For no apparent reason, Ino showed up then and their and began to do voice-over bits…

"He's the man. He's the man!"

"I don't know crap from anybody else but you! I wear the pants around here when I'm finished with your laundry! Coz I'm a guy you don't wanna fight. When I say "jump!" you say "yeah right!" I'm the man of this house until you get home!"

-

Shikamaru (who had just come down the non-existent stairs) looked at his parents. Why, on why, did his father have to be the stripper in the family?

-

"He's the man! He's the man!"

"What I say goes around here (right out the window). And I don't wanna hear a lot a whining, so I'll shut up! The sooner you learn whose boss around here, the sooner you can give me my orders dear…"

Shikaku yelped, frightened.

"Because I'm head honcho around here! (but it's all in my head!)"

"He's the man! He's the man!" By now, Ino had run away to puke, so Yoshino was providing the girly back-up vocals. Poor lady. Anyway, continuing on…

"And I can have sex anytime! (that you want). Coz I'm a man who has needs! (but their not that important). And don't expect any flowers from me, coz if I'm not mistaken you prefer jewellery. I'm the king of my castle when you're not around!"

-

Shika(-maru) was busy puking on the staircase. He wasn't cleaning as he went, because that would be "Too troublesome". Why did the men of his family have a tendency to date/marry violent/harsh women? With his luck, he'll be married to Ino, Temari or Inner Sakura… Shika(-maru) shuddered at the thought…

-

"He's the man! He's the man!"

"And I'll drink and watch sports whenever I want to get in trouble. And I'll come home when I'm good and ready (to sleep on the couch). Coz a man's gotta do, what a man's gotta do, and I'm gonna do what you tell me to, because I'm top dog around here! (but I've been neutered!)"

-

Shikamaru looked at his almost-naked father and ran out the room, leaving Chouji to eat his chips and watch the "show" happening before his eyes… EW!

* * *

Kankuro had recently acquired the internet, for he needed to do his "homework". (See chapter 5 for more about the INTERNET)

He sat down at his computer and typed his name into an internet search engine. The answers were surprising…

"BUT I'M NOT A FRIGGIN GIRL!"

Thus, Temari heard and ran into Kankuro's room. Soon they found out what the hell was happening.

-

"I typed my own name into an internet search engine, and all I got was "boobs"…"

Gaara happened to walk past (holding a muffin o.O) and began laughing manically at the fact Kankuro was "boobs"

"There goes my day again, there goes my day again. What's a man supposed to do!?"

Temari was wondering, since she got "boobs" for her name too, did that make her a man?

"No matter what I type into the damned search engine, all I get is "boobs"! There goes my day again, there goes my day. All I seem to ever get is boobs!"

Gaara, by this point, was wearing a panda costume, laughing and singing "O, Christmas Tree" at the top of his lungs. Having the fact his siblings were "boobs" obviously freaked him out. And since he wasn't used to being freaked out… well people show their emotions differently…

"I typed your name in too Gaara!" Kankuro yelled at his brother, getting angry. Gaara gulped.

"Yes, you're a "boob" too…"

Gaara screamed.

"Everyday I have the purest of intentions, but I get ambushed by this time wasting invention!"

Temari and Gaara echoed: "Time wasting invention!"

"Not talking 'bout the 'net! I'm talking 'bout "boobs"!"

-

"boobs, boobs, boobs, boobs, boobs, boobs, boobs, boobs, boob, boobs, boobs, boobs, boob, boob, boobie, boob, boob, boob."

-

"There goes my day again, there goes my day again. These days when I'm on the 'net, I just cut the crap and type in "boobs"!"

* * *

A/n: Yeah, it was short. Gaara is now seriously screwed up. He needs therapy… Yessir, yes indeed… Please review, we live off them! Also, the songs are "The Man Song" by Bob and Tom, and "Boobs" by Tripod. Hope you liked!

CRT: You'd better have! Or I will send my army of "Bleaves" after you!

TSA: Yes Jo, of course you will… AND THEN YOU WILL KILL ALL OF OUR READERS!

CRT: Do I look like I care!?

TSA: Just read and review please…


End file.
